My Story - Looking Back

I'm living a lifeless life these days. Sleeping at four, five in the morning, and waking in the late afternoon. There's just no motivation for me. Sometimes, I think of her. But most of the time, my mind switches off, and I am a lifeless corpse. I've been dreaming of her, on and off, and sometimes, other girls, strangers to me, just girls that appear in my dreams. I was to woo them in my dreams.

I really wonder how are you these days. I have not talked to you for ages. Many times I wonder, how are you now? Well, I guess you are fine. Coincidentally, just today, oh, it is already past midnight, just yesterday morning, my friends saw you at the MacDonalds near our school. Well, you should be fine enough, to be there I guess. However stupid I might sound typing this entry up till now, I just want you to know, I miss you, and I hope that you are fine.

Looking back at the past, I wonder, would I be here today, in this sorry state, if I dared to dream, dared to take my chances then? Flashback to Secondary One. A couple of times you asked me to go to the movies with your female friends. I was the only guy you asked. Yes, maybe I should not look too much into it, but was that a sign? Maybe. But I was stupid. I did not take my chances. I am still a relative newbie in such disciplines of love. I asked another guy to follow to the movies. Right or wrong move? I may never know. Maybe I should have just gone alone, and let you have the responsibilty to entertain me! =P. Thats the first smiley so far in all of my entries.

I am going to end off my entry here. I know I sound silly, I feel that way too. But love makes a person insane. Love is blind, crazy. Love is something, that, maybe, till today, is something that I have not seen yet. Dare I call my feelings for you love?

No. I do not know what love is.

posted by Jason Chua at 12/02/2003 01:37:00 AM |

My Story - The Meeting

Sigh. I cannot believe it. Since my last entry, I have not done anything special or meaningful. I feel this feeling of deja vu, as if I'm back in those loserish Secondary 2 years. I don't dare to do anything. Again. I'm as gutless as before.

I guess it is because, you have crushed any bit of confidence I have left. What have I done wrong? Is there anything wrong with having feelings for you? Why do you have to be so cold? I did not even tell you that I liked you. I guess you just inferred. You just took things into your own hands, to be safer than sorry, to just crush me. I guess you were right. I still did like you.

I remember, we met twice recently. First was in the morning, before school. I was walking past the lockers when I detected someone standing there. I felt this urge to look, but i did not. I walked up the stairs. As I walked up the second flight, I glanced left. It was you. I then continued on. I swore if this was a melodramatic scene in a movie, a tear would have dropped down as I turned to look forward. It was that sad. Somehow I just did not have the courage, and just ignored you like I have never known you. Are we fated to be only, friends?

Somehow, the second meeting was after school. I had to pass the school to get home. As I was nearing the school, deep inside I hoped that you would appear, because I knew that you had something on in the afternoon. But, the nearer I walked towards school, the lesser the hopes of seeing you. But, just as I was to reach the school gate, you came out, with a group of friends. Me? Just a sheepish smile and then walking past you. Was that the end? Us walking in different directions? I hope not.

I would like to end this entry, by dedicating this song, Yu Jian by Stefanie Sun to you.

Sun Yan Zi - Yu Jian



Hearing the end of winter
Spring comes, fancy turns into love

I suddenly woke up
I woke up the day I realised I fell for you

I thought, waited, hoped, but it was not to be
Things seldom turned out the way I hoped

Dark skies, evening time, outside the car window, was someone waiting
I am waiting for you, no matter how dreary the conditions

Looking in all directions, wonder how many twists and turns love must go through before coming to me
I am so confused right now

Who do I meet, what will happen
Are you really the One? Will I meet someone who is really the One?

The one whom I am waiting for, how far is she in the future?
How long am I going to have to wait for the One?

I hear the wind coming from people and trains, I get a queue number for Love
How many are there in my situation? I am not the only one who is waiting

I look at the sky, and then travel through time
Sometimes I wish I could fast-forward to the future

We too get hurt in love often
Maybe love is not for me? Am I too sensitive?

Looking at the road, the entrance I dreamt of is a little small
It might become a tough experience

But, meeting you is the most fabulous accident
No matter what may happen, I do not regret loving you, and still feel that meeting you was for the best

One day, my mystery will be solved
I will find the ever elusive One

posted by Jason Chua at 11/24/2003 11:24:00 PM |

My Story - If one day I forget you...

Soon baby, I will cry my last tears,
Soon, yeah
I will be over you.

Soon darling, all these tears won't be here soon, yeah
You know that I will be over you soon.

One night baby,you won't be in my dreams.
One night yeah,I'll finally make it through.
One night darling I won't call out your name.
And won't be in this pain.I will be over you soon.

Soon as the mountains turn to rivers.
As soon as the sea turns into sand.
Soon as the sun comes up at midnight.
That's how soon.
All the hurt will end.
But 'til then I'll just pretend.
It will be over.
I keep telling myself I'll forget you someday soon.
Soon

If one day I shall forget you...

.::I wanna thank you for all the memories you have given me, though most of them are sad ones. But I cherish them::.

.::I wanna tell you I really liked you. Maybe till today you are still not convinced of that fact. But its true::.

.::I wanna thank you for teaching me patience, and non-violence. Well, maybe you did not directly teach me. But it was due to you stating my weaknesses that I changed::.

.::I wanna wish you all the best in your future endaevours. I hope that you would find someone you love. But remember me::.

.::I wanna pray that I the day I forget you would not come. But even if I do, the heavens know my feelings for you::.

.::xoxo::.

posted by Jason Chua at 10/14/2003 09:38:00 PM |

My Story - Real love is the history of enormous patience.

Real love is the history of enormous patience. - Anonymous

Being an Arian, I never had much patience. I hated to wait. But since falling for you, I learnt much about patience. Well, I've waited for almost two to three years have I not?

I think I pretty much threw away my history paper this time round. That night of the eve of that paper, you told me to wake you up at 2.30am the next morning. Sure, I agreed. I set my alarm to 2.30am. I woke up, and checked my MSN Messenger. You were still asleep. So I called you. And called you. And called you. You still did not wake up. I was worried that you would just sleep till the morning, and not be able to study for the exam. So I called you for an hour. Sounds like I'm obsessed, but I was really afraid. I soon fell asleep out of exhaustion.

Then at around 4+am, I received an SMS from you. Phew. You woke up. You said you forgot to set your phone mode from silent. Damn. I wanted to kick myself then. The least you could do was to check your phone if it was on silent right? But nevermind, I thought. Any sacrifice is worth it.

Not surprisingly, I pretty much screwed up my history paper. Well, maybe what I am doing sounds stupid to people. They may feel that what I am doing is useless if there is still unrequited love. But for me, right now, I just want to like you, and care for you. I feel that, each passing day equates to a day lesser of loving you. You never know what might happen...right now I just appreciate what I can do. I am not afraid that one day I might wake up, not knowing who you are anymore. For the heavens will know that I once loved you.

posted by Jason Chua at 10/14/2003 09:17:00 PM |

My Story - The first step I took.

I decided to go ahead. Like my cousin said to me, if you like someone, just go for it. You never know what is going to happen.

It was a Friday. We had to stay back for extra work. After that, I saw that you had so many books to carry. I went ahead to carry them for you. I could not believe what I did. Even though there were still people in the class, I still did what I did. Having done that, we walked to your locker together. It was... a walk to remember. No matter how short the distance was, it was the first time that I dared to take my chances. We had a nice conversation while walking... I remembered I said some dumb things...

After that, I went home... I thought about many things. Eventually, I grew more confident and took more chances. I think you already know that I like you... But then again... I have not told you so. Maybe thats why you are not avoiding me? Well, I guess I should be optimistic!

That Friday incident...was the first sign of things looking up. Thankfully, I did not give up. Wow, this rhymes.

posted by Jason Chua at 10/06/2003 09:46:00 PM |

My Story - Will two parallel lines ever meet?

Tonight with words unspoken.. You say I'm the only one, but will my heart be broken when the night meets the morning sun? Will you still love me tomorrow?

Love is bittersweet. Sometimes I feel so happy in love, sometimes I feel so sad.

Something happened a few weeks ago that told me...maybe fate was still smiling on me.

During the September holidays, we had lessons. After our lessons, My friends and I went for lunch. I did not see you anywhere, not even with your usual group of friends. I was really wondering where you were.

Ater lunch, I had to go home to take something. On my way home I had to pass school. I met you. This may not be surprising... but to me it was. I just smiled and said bye to you. But on my way home...I was thinking. Was this a sign of fate yet again? Or was fate decepting me? Was fate playing me once again?

Well, I tried to be optimistic. I decided to enter the fray again. I wished one day that I could be hearing the song "Jian Dan Ai" instead of "An Jing" and "Shi Jie Mo Ri"...

posted by Jason Chua at 10/06/2003 09:34:00 PM |

My Story - December 2000

December 2000.
Something happened to me.
It was the sweetest thing that could ever be.
It was fantasy.
A dream come true.
It was the day I met you.
It happened so fast,
It struck so deeply.
I found you in my heart.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 06:03:00 PM |

My Story - Hiatus

My story comes to a break. I'm sure it will go on...

Note to my readers: If you have a feeling you know who I am, stop. Please stop interfering in my life...this is how I want to live it. I want to do this myself. Thank you.

I'm going to stop writing for now...those were the experiences I had till now. Sure, there were many others, but I cannot write them down, or my identity would surely be exposed... and if it is exposed... history will repeat itself, like I said.

I do not want history to repeat itself, not because I regret liking you. This time round, I just want to like you. You said, "Liking a person does not mean that you must make that person like you back." Those were the most accurate comments I have heard from anyone. I just want to like you with all I have got.

Not all love stories have an ending. Mine will not have an ending. Because if it does have an ending, it would become our love story, not just mine. Good luck with everything you do, ore wa omae ga suki da. Maybe, you do not remember that japanese phrase. That meant I love you...a more uncommon term for it. Now you know why I kept using it and not telling you what it meant.

Right now, I am still waiting for that perfect scenario to say the three words...

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 05:58:00 PM |

My Story - Back to square one.

One day you'll ask me, "What is more important? Me or your life?". I'll say, "My life.", and you'll go and leave without knowing that you are my life.

I could not erase you from my mind, from my heart. But, I could not bear to tell you that I have feelings for you. I thought it would form an "invisible wall" between us. You would start to avoid me, and I would not dare to approach you, and history would repeat itself.

I fell for you all over again. I just could not forget you. I sound like a lovesick idiot...I know. But I just cannot help it. Forgive my lies, forgive that I told you that I will stop liking you. It is now that I learnt an important lesson: Never give up, when you do not intend to. Never stop saying I love you, when you still do.

Yes, I still like you.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 05:48:00 PM |

My Story - At the right place at the right time

Soon after my giving in to my life, three persons came into my life, one after another. I thought I could start life anew, and fall in love again. But such things come as fast as they go...thankfully I realised my mistake. I did not really like them. They were all just at the right place at the right time.

2003 came. The start of my Secondary 3 life. I was streamed into the same class as you...but over the holidays I forced myself to forget you. I was determined to start life anew.

In the first few months...this girl came into my life. Just as I was most depressed, she was like the bright spark that came in. I decided to take my chances with her. She was not as resistant as you. We wrote messages to each other during lessons...and I felt happy. At that point of time, I thought I really had forgotten you. It really felt like I did.

One incident I would always remember...would be the day I went to the library with her and our classmates to discuss a play. You were not present as you were not involved. We went into the café and discussed. I was sitting beside her on the sofa...and playing with her hair. She then laid down on the pillow that was on my lap...I thought I felt love. But I think, deep, deep down inside, I wish that it was you instead. Wishful thinking...

She went out of my life soon. I realised she was "too friendly" to guys, if you get my gist. Thankfully my realisation was early. I wonder how many guys I have seen her walked home with...

Then came the Secondary 3 Camp. It was to be the stage for another person to come into my life, and to go off as soon. It was another one of our classmate... I was with her often throughout the camp. I knew it was to be only a short camp "fling". It ended as soon as it started. She has a boyfriend now.

The last person to come, is someone close to you. She was so like you...and I thought she could be a substitute for you. That was one of the most regretful things I have ever done. I ended up hurting her, and others. I hated myself for playing with her feelings.

They were just at the right place at the right time. I liked them for what they were, not who they were. You? You are too deeply etched into my heart...and they could not replace that mark.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 05:41:00 PM |

My Story - That long night.

After the chalet, I was in a state of depression. I was really, really sad. Why? Because I did not take my chances. And when I did, they did not turn out right.

After the chalet, I spent most of the time online. I was depressed. I poured out much of my feelings to others. Dumb me. I wrote a letter...to express what I really felt. I did something quite stupid - I sent it to some of my female friends...to find out what they would feel it someone sent them that.

To quote one of them: "If I had a little bit of feelings for you, I would cry." But it was not to be. That night, I chatted with you online...till the wee hours of the morning. I found out your greatest wish - to be happy. It was that night I sent you the letter. But you just joked about it. I was shattered. That was the night I decided to give up.

But as all love stories goes, the protagonist never gives up...no matter what the ending is to be...sad or happy.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 05:13:00 PM |

My Story - Intermission

Right now, some of you might be wondering, why am I writing all this? Yeah, so that I can smile at what I am doing now 10 years later.
Obviously, there are also some that feel that I am desperate. Desperate in a sense, to not give up on her, even though she has obviously hinted. Some of you might even think that I am a psychotic, disturbed individual...like those stalkers you read in the news. Some of you might think that I am an insecure person, forever clinging...ok...I've a feeling that this list might go on for a long time...

I have to ask this: How many of you have found a true love, yet gave up meekly without a fight? Love, to me is sacred. To fall for someone out of 6 billion, that is not merely statistical. That is fate. That is destiny. To find a person you can fall for, and then to give up just like that, is something you wil regret for the rest of your lives. I do not want that to happen to me. You may ask why I cannot fall for someone else. It is not a fear of rejection...but I just forgot how to fall in love after I fell for her.

Why do I like her so much? I like her just because I like her. A simple, yet profound answer.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 04:43:00 PM |

My Story - At the end of 2002

Nothing much happened between us. I did not dare to approach her. She wrecked my confidence everytime I chatted with her...That is why till now I am still pretty shy with females.

Most guys, at least in my opinion, would have already given up on her. I guess I was just a little slower and dumber.

Our class had a chalet in November. Remembered you were sick then...and you lied that you were not going to the chalet. I hated people to lie to me, yet I could not get angry at you.

When I got there, I found out that you had a new haircut. You just looked so cute with short hair! At the chalet, we did our own things. I played football in the court, in the wee hours of the morning. You? I did not even know where did you go..

It was only after the first night, I started seeing you more often in the chalet. Our class spent most of our time in the pool now. We would just sit around the pool and chat. We, not as in you and me...but our class.

I could remember, one night in the pool I saw a shooting star. I remember wishing that I could love you forever. A lengthy claim, I know. But that was what I wanted. The pool was were our class spent the happiest days of our lives...

But it was also the time...when I felt very tormented. At the last night of our chalet, our class was at the pool again. This time...you slept on one of our male classmate's back in the pool. I have to admit, I felt so jealous. Please do not term me as childish...It was only a human reaction. I was only being human. Later, we went back to our chalet bungalow. Some of our friends were dead tired, and just slept in the chairs, still wet from swimming. You went ahead and put a towel on them, worried that they might fall sick. I was touched...not only touched...but envious. And I was remorseful...for feeling that dreaded feeling of jealously. I always had believed that trust was the basis of love. Yet, I lost that trust.


When our friends decided to go back to the pool once more, I did not want to be inside the pool. I lied on the deck chair and thought. Why was I still having feelings for you? I was ravaged at that point of time. I do not think I was being too sensitive...though my heart was crying at that point. Please do not call me a sissy, does a man cannot feel the emotion of sadness?

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 04:07:00 PM |

My Story - It grew deeper instead

After that Valentine's Day incident, she was constantly hurting me with her words. Maybe I'm being too sensitive here... But because I understand a bit of how the human mind words, I always looked deeply in every word she said, and got myself hurt.

The next few months went on like that...

Our class soon got started on basketball. You started playing it, joining your female friends who played it with us guys. Though I swore by football, I still played it. Just because you were playing it. Seemed like basketball was the only team sport you enjoyed. I still remember you saying, "I hate soccer!", when our class had football for Physical Education.

As time went by, you hurt me more and more with your words when we spoke online. I knew I was irritating you. Yet, I could not stop...because I wished for those lovely conversations back in Secondary 1. Just seeing you put a smiley face made my day...

It was obvious you were trying to get me off your back; you had already successfully done it to a few guys in our class. Ironically, my feelings grew deeper instead. I just do not know why...it just happened. I do not know why, it just felt as if I knew you from before.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/28/2003 04:05:00 PM |

My Story - The loser called Me

How can you tell the rain not to fall when the clouds exist? How can you tell the leaves not to fall when the wind exists? How can you tell me not to fall in love when you exist?

The year 2002 was a long year, the start of my "loserhood" in my love life. If I could turn back time, I would wish to rectify the many problems I had then.

At the start of the new school year, something happened. Classmates kept asking each other who they liked. At first, I denied that I liked anyone...as I was afraid that it would create a rift between us if too many people knew. Sadly, this -insert your own vulgarity- friend of mine went around telling people that I liked someone. Till today I have not totally forgiven him. Slowly, people began to know that I liked you. In the meantime I found out that many guys in our class liked you too...

Then came Valentine's Day. I got a gift for you. But when the day came...I did not dare to pass it to you...only at the end of the day I got my friend to give it to you. I regretted it. I knew I was insincere yet I did it. Nevertheless, you rejected it. That was one of the saddest days in my life, I only had myself to blame - For thinking that you would accept it, and for embarassing myself.

I could not bear to take it back home. A few days later, I sold it to my friend, as it was his friend's birthday and he wanted to give her something.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/25/2003 10:12:00 PM |

My Story - The day I said the 3 words

The next few months passed without anything notable happening. I did not have any good progress on her. I just watched her from a distance...and wished that she would one day be mine to hold.

I cannot really remember which month was it, but our teacher put us in a team for a project, because of our respective skills. I was elated. I could see now see you more often.

Our group met up in November and December of 2001. I remembered waiting outside the school for you, sipping that cup of Milo Freeze, while watching you arrive. I was happy inside to see you, but I remained silent. The heart knows without words. That was what I felt.

When our group reached the venue to do the project, we started playing games on the computer. You were sitting there, playing games on your handphone. I felt sorry for wasting your time, yet there was nothing I could do. I sms-ed you asking you why were you sitting there playing games on your handphone, though I knew deep down inside why. We were in the same room, yet I did not have the courage to just go beside you and initiate a conversation. That was one of my regrets.

Soon you left. I felt I had to tell you. I sms-ed you with the 3 words : I like you.

I think you reacted indifferently, which was not surprising, looking at the number of guys you have already rejected. What chance was I to have? But, I just felt I had to let you know. I really liked you. Maybe this story would never have a happy ending, how am I to know.


This comes to the end of the year 2001.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/25/2003 10:00:00 PM |

My Story - How it started

December 2000. Something happened to me. It was the sweetest thing that could ever be. It was fantasy. A dream come true. It was the day I met you.

I remembered, the first time I met her was in the classroom of my new school. It was after I got back my posting results after PSLE. The teacher called us one by one to hand in our report books, and I was sitting there, looking out for pretty girls. I saw her. She was pretty. Somehow, I felt something special would happen. And it did.

It happened on a Saturday night. I was in this IRC Channel, a big one. I usually did not reply strangers, but when you messaged me, I somehow replied you. Was it fate? Or was it the start of something horrible?

We introduced ourselves, and I soon realised you were my new classmate. I asked you for your name, and I found it familiar. Could it be that pretty girl I saw during my first day in my new school? Yes, it was to be.

Days went by, and I remembered that I always made fun of you. I sort of bullied you a lot and got whacked on the back by your file. Ouch.

The happiest moments I spent with you that year were the times we played Pool on Yahoo! Games. I would ask you, "Today wanna go home play pool?". You would smile and nod your head. Slowly, my feelings for you just grew. We soon called each other terms like "dear" and the such. I think it was then when I felt I was loved and happy.


I could still remember the June holidays that year. You went to Melbourne, while I went to China. Before you left, I remember chatting with you on IRC, and I could not bear to let you leave. But soon, you went. A few days later, I was in China. I remembered how much I missed you while I was there. I used my father's laptop whenever I had the chance, just to see if you were online. But sadly, you were not, until the day you went back to Singapore. I was still in China then, and I chatted with you. But after that chat, I felt really miserable by your coldness. Your sudden coldness towards me. It was as if I did something very wrong. Obviously, I did not enjoy the remaining days of that holiday.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/25/2003 09:55:00 PM |

My Story - Prologue

The greatest thing in life is just to love and be loved. That was all I seeked. Was it too much?

Here, I would chronicle my love life, from my Secondary 1 years to now. The first few chapters would be on my past, and then subsequently my present experiences.

You may ask: Why write about your love life?

I just want to look back ten years later and be able to smile at what I am doing now.

posted by Jason Chua at 9/25/2003 09:39:00 PM |